Matt, Uncut: Good news

02/08/2010 marks the first day of a new found relationship

Matt, Uncut: Perception vs Reality: Round 1

Matt got to work very, VERY early for the second day in a row this week.  When Matt got to work, he found that he had nothing to do except thing . . . and when Matt has too much time to think, entries like this are bound to happen.

Perception VS reality . . . Is it the real world that my mind perceives OR is my perception become my reality?

Truth is, I’m not really sure this question has a concrete answer anymore.  What’s real for one person isn’t so real for another.  Its how 12 people can witness an event and all 12 will have something different to say about what happened.  I blame “The Matrix”; the more times I watch that movie, the more normal the premise of that movie becomes; do I really know who and what I am, or do I just perceive myself to be something I’m really not?

Morpheus asks Neo a very profound question; “What’s real?”  I used to have a very good handle on that answer. There are some things that I KNOW to be real; the car payment I just acquired is really real. If I don’t pay it, they will take my baby away. For Real.  The electric bill? That’s real too; if I don’t pay that, then it’s lights out. For Real.  But what about the other stuff, the abstract stuff?  Can everything we experience in life be put into a category of “real” or “imaginary” . . . or does the mere “fact” that we HAVE the experience MAKE it real?  I honestly start to wonder just how much of the real world is really for real and how much of it is just our perception of what goes on in our daily lives.

Here is more food for thought; if our reality is based on our perceptions, then WHY DOES OUR REALITY SUCK SO MUCH???  Wouldn’t we want to perceive only good things happening, thus making our reality far better than what it is for so many people right now?  Why make reality negative for ourselves when we can do so much better . . .

I usually don’t have these kinds of thoughts unless I’m up at ungodly hours of the night/morning when the logical center of my brain is off and my filters are down.  But for some reason, this just hit me right now, and I felt like writing about it would be the best way to get rid of it. Otherwise it would drive me INSANE!  And yes, I realize that I used first AND third person in this entry. Its my blog, I can do what I want.

Matt, Uncut: Random Untitled Post #???

My new baby

I first wanted to say thank you to whoever out there takes the time to read my blog.  It means alot to me that you take time out of your busy schedule to read the rantings and ravings of Matt.

On my list of stuff to accomplish for the New year, I noticed that I have already failed miserably on some of the items; most notably trying not to fall for every girl I’m attracted (I’m not sure I will EVER accomplish that one LOL) and the whole losing weight thing (but I AM still working on it).  I have been going back to the gym pretty often lately, I just need to change up my eating habits and I’ll be straight.

Ironically, the one thing that I did accomplish was the one thing I least expected to happen; I got a new car   Thats it right over there, see it? A 2007 Pontiac G5. Its pretty slick, not quite as fast as my Grand Am GT, but still pretty awesome. And the most important part is that it actually functions and WON’T randomly blow up on me.

So, if I can just get everything else on my list to go just as well, it would be wonderful.

Matt, Uncut: One . . .

One.

A song lyric said that “one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.”

I used to think that was complete and total BS; I used to LOVE being alone.  Well, maybe I just used to make myself love being alone . . . either way, for the longest time, its what I did and who I was. A lone wolf.  I didn’t have friends either because I didn’t want or couldn’t make them, but either way, I told myself and told myself and told myself that I was supposed to be alone so much that I finally believed me.

Then reality sunk in.

People aren’t wired to be alone. God even said so in various ways in the bible. We just aren’t.  Once that terrible truth became known to me, I couldn’t unknow it. But much worse, I couldn’t do anything to change it now that I wanted to . . .

Matt, Uncut: *untitled*

FRUSTRATED!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

I HATE that some people treat my some of my friends like trash, it makes me want to do bad things to them.

I HATE that my some of my friends treat THEMSELVES like trash, it makes me want to beat them upside the head and knock some sense into ‘em.

I HATE that my car is messed up, because I love my car and she and I have been through alot together and I don’t wanna lose her. Yes, I talk about my car like a (girl)friend, because she has been there for me more than some of my actual friends have. and she understands me and my moods and how I feel. I really don’t care if you read this and think I’m crazy, because I know its true.

I HATE that I can give relationship advice to other people and I can even meet a potential significant other.

I HATE that I gained so much weight back. I almost feel like I look worse than I did before, even though its not that much weight I gained back.

I HATE the dumb@ss, stupid @ss, backward @ss stuff that I see everyday from people who should know better and don’t do better. It makes the human race as a whole look like idiots.

Ok, I’m done venting. For right now.

Matt, Uncut: 2010

1. No more girl drama. I don’t know how possible this is, but daggoneit imma try. As the year progresses, we’ll see how that goes.

2. I will do my best to not spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT worrying about why I can’t find a girlfriend. I obviously can’t stop being attracted to people, but I will not be consumed by the pursuit of companionship.

3. Start being more financially intelligent. Gotta start planning for the future. I’m getting to be an “old” man.

4. Continue the reconstruction of a more positive Matt.

5. New Job ==> more money (see #3) ==> new car hopefully.

That’s it for now I think.

Matt, Uncut: Empty

I don’t really know where to start or how to word this one . . . I feel empty.  This same time last year, I felt empty. I was dealing with the same basic shit, just a different girl.  This cycle needs to end, I can’t really deal with this anymore.  As broken record as this sounds, I once again feel like the butt of one of God’s jokes that just isn’t funny.  Quite frankly, I’m past tired of this . . .

Random Haiku

Alone in the dark . . .
Fear grips my mind, body, soul . . .
Fear of being alone . . .

Matt, Uncut: Better to have loved and lost?

Everybody knows the quote: “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” . . . but, I wonder sometimes.

But, there is also a quote that says that you can’t miss something you’ve never had. . .

Which is the truth? I remember that before I knew what being in love was like, I desperately longed for it, but couldn’t really say I missed it, because I never experienced it before. But now, I realize just how close the feelings of longing for something and missing something really are; I mean, they are practically the same, only differing in title.

Both are a deep expression if desire for something currently not in your possession . . . So, I guess from that standpoint, both statements are wrong. Because last time I checked, losing someone you love in any capacity hurts like nothing else. And longing for something can hurt just as bad when you watch it slip between your fingers again, and again, and again . . .

But, there is the other side of the issue as well, the not so negative side. Knowing that there was one person in the world that loved you and wanted to love you is an amazing feeling, and one you never forget. And just as failure can be a deterent, it can also be the most powerful motivator when channeled correctly. Try, try again was the mantra back in school when you couldn’t get it right the first time, and everybody knows the feeling of finally succeeding at something for the first time.

I guess there really isn’t a right or wrong answer here, because its all about perspective; I honestly started writing this from a negative point of view, down about soon losing a girl I never really had, and losing a girl who was more than everything at this time last year . . . But, being down is not being out, and there is always opportunity for those who choose to look for it. So, I guess that’s it, thought over . . . The End.

Matt, Uncut: Roses

On this episode, I’d like to discuss a random thought I just about roses.

Roses have thorns.  Those thorns aren’t very attractive to most, but thats probably why the aren’t there when we give the roses to someone.  But I wonder how many people have seen roses in the natural state?  My grandma has a rosebush at her house. Way back when I used to do lawn work there, I cut it down once and she flipped out.  I didn’t recognize them for what they were; i just thought they were part of everything else to be cut down.  They had grown amongst the weeds, and I had never seen a wild rose before, so I didn’t know what to look for.  Fast forward that, and I have a whole different perspective.  Even amongst all the “yard trash” out there, i could pick out a wild rosebush anywhere now, because I know what to look for, and even though those roses still have the thorns on them, they are still just as pretty to me.

The random thought I had was this; if a rose was aware of itself, and knew it had thorns, would it think it’s beautiful?  What if that same rose knew how much joy it brought to people, would it still have the same opinion?